I Won't Let Go
by OLHrocksursocks
Summary: When Campbell resorts to self-harm, a desperate Maya goes to the Ice Hounds for help. Can they save him in time, or is it already too late?
1. Chapter 1

Breathe, breathe, come on Cam breathe. But it was futile, Campbell Saunders felt as though every part of his body was falling apart. The same hopeless, sad feeling washed over him as his gasped to fill his lungs.  
Another day, another panic attack.

He wished he could be different, that he could get better, but mostly he just wished he could go home.

Back to Kapuskasing, to his mother's cooking and his brother's practical jokes and his sister's tea parties.

The thought of his family made the pain inside him even worse.

He looked up. Across from him a mirror showed the image of a miserable, frightened, crazy little boy. Before he could stop himself he ripped a wooden piece off of his head board and threw it at the mirror, shattering it and sending shards of glass flying.

He no longer wanted to see what he had become.

After a moment, his legs moved mechanically and he kneeled down to clean up the mess he had made.

He picked up one piece of the glass and it scratched him, giving him a small cut on his finger.

As the blood flowed down into his palm, he forgot about his dark abyss of emotional pain.

He was reminded once again of the time in the locker room with his ice-skate. It felt… good in a strange, twisted kind of way.

He wondered if the glass would feel the same way. The tears dried on his face as he ran the sharp glass across his wrist over and over again.

* * *

"Hey superstar, wait up!" Maya Matlin called after her boyfriend.

He had been acting very strange today, and hadn't waited for her after French.

But Campbell didn't slow his pace. He hadn't been feeling right lately, and didn't want to worry the pretty blonde.

Despite his efforts, she caught up to him.

"Is everything okay?" She asked trying to make eye contact.

The boy forced a smile, "Yeah, just not feeling too great…" He mumbled.

"Are you sick? I did hear the flu is going around…" She reached out a hand and felt his head.

"You're sweating, maybe you're overheated. You should take that big jacket off." She tugged at his sleeve.

"No!" He snapped but quickly collected himself. "No, I have to wear it. You know, it's a hockey thing."

"Right…" She seemed hurt. Instantly Cam felt terribly guilty for neglecting her.

"Hey, do you want to go out tonight after hockey practice? Maybe get something to eat?" He asked.

Maya perked up and a wide smile spread across her face. "I'd love to." She said.

* * *

A week went by and Cam seemed to be acting like his normal self. Maya was reassured; all worries she had before were gone.

Of course she still worried about him, she always worried about him. Ever since he "accidently" fell off that catwalk, she had been uncertain about his mental state. But things had been going well lately.

She was blissfully unaware of the hellish war being waged inside her boyfriend's head.

After that night with the glass, Cam had found his escape. He only did it two more times since then. Once with the same piece of glass that he had stuck in his drawer for safe keeping and once with a pair of scissors he had brought upstairs for a project weeks ago.

He told his host family that breaking the mirror had been an accident. He came up with the tale that he had been practicing hockey in his room and would be more mindful next time.

To Campbell's amazement, they believed his every word.

Either he was a good liar or they were really dumb; whichever way he lucked out.

Cam was sitting in his room doing his daily homework when his computer started beeping.

His mom was calling him on Skype. He threw all of his books aside and answered.

"Mom!" He cried as the familiar face appeared on the screen.  
"Hi sweetheart, how ya doing?" She asked.

"I'm fine," He lied with a smile "how are you guys?"

"We're doing alright. We miss you though; things just aren't the same around here without you."

Her words made his heart ache and he was suddenly very aware of the cuts on his arm. He fiddled with his sleeve to make sure they were covered.

"I miss you too Mom, all of you." He whispered trying to swallow the prominent lump in his throat.

"Campbell, are you sure you're okay? You look like something is bothering you. Is something going on at school? Did you and Maya have a fight or…?"

He stopped her "Everything is fine mom. I've just been really busy lately, I'm a little stressed."  
"Alright…" She wasn't convinced. She was harder to fool than his host parents. "Well if you need anything we're just a call away. Anytime you need us we're here, you aren't alone." She gave him a gentle smile.

"Thanks mom. Well, I better get this homework done so I'm not up too late."

"Okay sweetie, I love you."

"I love you too mom."

Then with a push of a button she was gone. Even though his mom meant to make him feel better, he just ended up feeling even more alone than before.

He tried to get back to work but his mind was too preoccupied. He kept eyeing the drawer where a bloody piece of glass was hidden. Tears threatened in his chocolate brown eyes. Finally he got up and pushed everything aside. He was just about to slide the glass across his arm once again when his phone started ringing.

He sat there for a minute, the glass inches from his skin, before returning it to its hiding place and answering his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Cam! What are you doing?" his girlfriend's cheery voice rang from the other end, instantly putting him at ease.

He eyed his homework and then his arm. "Uh… nothing, why?" He answered pushing down his sleeve.

"I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out. I could use some company."

_I know exactly how you feel._ He thought.  
"Yeah, I'll be there."

* * *

"My parents are out of town and Katie's out on a date so I'm not really supposed to have company. But… no one has to know." Maya led Campbell into her living room where she already had pizza and a movie waiting for them.

Cam smiled as Maya handed him a piece of her pizza. Then she pressed play, starting the bloody, zombie horror film.

2 hours and several dead bodies later the movie came to an end. Maya had her head resting on his chest and he had his arm wrapped around her.

They sat there for a moment enjoying the silence.

"I better go, I don't want to get you in any trouble." He said removing his arm and sitting up straight.

But Maya stopped him. "Not yet," she whispered "I want to… I want to try something." Before he could say anything she forced her lips upon his.

He knew he needed to go before anything happened between the two young teenagers but his hormones refused.

Their tongues explored each other's mouths eagerly. Maya pulled him close to her; pressing their middles together and grinding her hips against his.

At that moment his mind was turned to mush. He forgot everything other than Maya and his desire for her.

He helped her out of her blouse and started to fiddle with her bra strap. But she stopped him and shook her head.

He instantly felt himself turning red; he thought he had gone too far. But instead of getting off of him as he expected, Maya smiled and whispered "Your turn" and began unbuttoning his shirt, moving her lips along his collarbone. He was in heaven.

Then it dawned on him. His arm, the cuts, if she saw them she would never let it go; she would never be able to look at him the same. He struggled against her hold but it was too late, she already had one arm out of its sleeve.

Maya observed the cuts on her boyfriend's arm with wide eyes. She bit her lip to keep herself from gasping in an effort to hide her horror.

"Cam?! What… did you do this to yourself?" She asked tripping on her words.

Campbell sat up and slid his shirt back onto his arm. "Of course not," he mumbled "what do you think I'm some kind of freak? I just got some scratches during practice."

"But…" she started.

"I told you Maya, I'm not some loser who tries to hurt himself." But he wouldn't meet her eyes. "I have to go."  
"Cam, wait! I want to help you!" She grabbed his arm.

"I have to go." He hissed, pulling away a little too forcefully. Then he was out the door.

Maya grabbed her shirt and ran after him but he was too fast.

When she returned to the living room it was clear to her who she needed to go to. She knew Cam wouldn't want to worry his mother and she didn't want to get administration involved. She had only one chance and she hoped with all her heart that they would help.

* * *

The next morning she found Dallas, Luke, Owen, and a couple other hockey guys hanging out near the gym.

She didn't have time to waste so without a second thought she went up to them.

"Well if it isn't little Saunders' niner puck bunny; if you're looking for Cam, we haven't seen him." Owen said rolling his eyes.

She ignored him "I need your help. There's something wrong with Cam."

The boys exchanged a look and raised their eyebrows at the young girl.

"He hurts himself." She blinked away her tears "He has cuts all over his wrist. And he didn't just fall off that catwalk earlier in the year… He keeps saying everything is an accident but it's not. I'm really worried about him. You're supposed to be his family; you're the only people I could think of. Please, you have to help him!" she begged, blinking up at them.

The boys looked back at her with solemn expressions.  
Dallas finally answered for the group. "Of course we'll help, he's our brother."

* * *

AN: This one goes out to **xxwinterbeautyxx** I hope you liked it. Update coming soon!


	2. Chapter 2

_Answer the door Maya, answer the door_. Campbell paced furiously on his girlfriend's porch… or at this point maybe his ex girlfriend.

He wasn't sure exactly what to tell her, the truth he guessed. No, if she knew the truth she would try to help him. She would tell Simpson or something. He didn't need anyone's help.

He would just tell her that he wouldn't do it again, that it was a onetime thing. He would tell her anything that eased her worried mind. She had enough to worry about on her own, she didn't need his problems.

Finally she answered. She just stood there unsure what to say.  
"Can we talk?" he asked.

She stepped aside letting him into her living room.

He started talking before she could. "Maya, I'm sorry about the other night. But everything is alright, I promise."  
"It doesn't look alright Cam. You need help, you can't keep hurting yourself." Maya stared deep into his eyes.

His eyes were filled to the brim with tears before he even felt them start to form. No, no, no this wasn't right. He couldn't cry, not here, not in front of Maya.

"I don't want to… I don't want to hurt myself" he heard his voice whisper. He was losing control, this wasn't good. "But I do it anyway! I so messed up Maya, I don't know what's wrong with me! Sometimes I feel fine but other times…" He rolled up his sleeves and watched her eyes widen.

"Oh Cam," She whispered, reaching a hand out and running it across his scarred skin. Tears of her own were rolling down her cheeks.

He wiped his face quickly, furious at himself. "Please, Maya you have to promise me you won't tell anyone. Please, if anyone found out…" He trailed off not wanting to think about how much ridicule he would receive. He lowered his voice and finally met her eyes. "I swear I won't do it again, but please don't tell anyone."

"Cam…" she started.

"Promise me!" His eyes flared with desperation.

Maya was suddenly very frightened of the boy she used to adore. "I promise!" She spat out before she could think. How could she tell him that she had already told the Ice Hounds?

Maybe it wasn't too late to talk to the team and tell them she was lying. Cam had said he wouldn't do it again. He wouldn't lie to her, not now. Not after everything that had come out.

I mean him admitting that he was hurting himself to her meant he wanted help, he wanted to stop. And maybe, just maybe he would.

"I have to go… I have hockey practice."

No, he couldn't go there! The guys would try to talk to him; they would tell him what she had done. She felt like she had betrayed the sweet, sad boy.

"No!" She shouted a little too quickly. She took a deep breath and softened. "Stay here with me," she begged, tugging on his collar.

He looked at her for a minute before throwing his arms around her and holding her close.

* * *

"Hey niner!" Dallas called to the rookie's girl as soon as he saw her walk in the front doors of Degrassi. "Have you seen Saunders? He didn't show up to practice last night and after what you said…"

The whole team was worried about the kid. Owen, Luke, and Dallas had planned to take him aside after practice when the locker room cleared out and ask him what was up. They weren't sure exactly how to handle him. But they knew something had to be done. Because hockey aside they cared about the young rookie. He was their family, their responsibility. And they knew something wasn't right about him since day one.

"About that…" the little blonde mumbled. "Look, I'm sorry I upset you guys. We… Cam and I were in a fight and I just wanted to make him look bad. I was wrong, I overreacted. And I'm the reason he skipped practice yesterday. We had to uh… make up." She tried to smirk at them. "So uh, you don't need to worry about it anymore." Before any of them could answer she ran off.

"What the hell was that about?" Owen asked watching her go.

"I don't know… but it didn't make any sense." Luke said.

"I know, like that little rookie is getting any." Owen laughed.

"No, not that. Why would she tell us Cam was… self-harming, if he really wasn't? I mean telling us he was gay or something would be one thing but that's a little dark…" Luke continued, looking at Dallas.

"Yeah, something is definitely off about her story…" Dallas agreed.

"I say we talk to the kid and get the real story…" Owen said and they all nodded in agreement.

* * *

"Hey!" Cam greeted his girlfriend on the way to lunch by grabbing her hand.

"Hey superstar" she smiled back.

"Are you ready for that French exam?" He asked but before Maya could answer someone pushed past her, knocking her lunchbox out of her hand and sending it sliding across the floor.

"Oh crap!" She muttered under her breath. Cam let go of her hand and reached down to get it for her. She was about to thank him when the sleeve of his letter jacket rode up, revealing his freshly cut arm.

He didn't even seem to realize and handed her the lunchbox with a smile.

"Cam…" she hissed pulling him into the nearest empty classroom.

"What?" He asked looking legitimately confused.

She yanked up his sleeve. Some of the cuts were still bleeding. "You promised you wouldn't do it again!"

Shocked, Cam struggled to pull his sleeve down. "I…I… I know. It won't happen again. This time it was an accident."  
"No it wasn't Cam! You can't keep doing this to yourself! You need help!" Maya yelled.

Cam bit his lip nervously. "Look, I can handle this. Okay? I'm fine." He spat at her and then he sped off into the hallway and out the back door.

* * *

After his little blowout with Maya all Cam wanted to do was lock himself in his room and drown his sorrows in his physical pain. But he couldn't miss another hockey practice or the team would be pissed. And the last thing he needed was a lecture from Dallas about commitment or whatever.

So here he was stumbling into the Ice Hounds locker room with a grimace. He was ready for a normal, exhausting, crappy hockey practice but as soon as he stepped in the door he knew he was terribly unprepared.

The three prominent Ice Hounds, Luke, Owen, and Dallas were all standing in the locker room and Maya was by their side.

"We need to talk Rookie." Dallas said quietly.

"No… Maya…" he looked to the blonde who was ringing her hands.

"I'm sorry Cam but they can help you. You need help." She whispered, tears dripping down her cheeks.

"You promised!" he yelled, his eyes burning with anger. "You said you weren't going to tell anyone!"

"She didn't do anything wrong, she was just trying to help you. There's a support group at my church. Tons of teens just like you go there and help each other. You could…" Luke tried to reach out. But Campbell didn't want to listen.

"No. I told you I didn't need help and I don't. I'm fine; I don't need your pity. It was just an accident." The venom in his voice was shocking. That voice did not belong to Cam, even he was shocked. But he didn't have time to be concerned. He ran out of the locker room. Away from the betrayal, away from the pain.

"Come on, we have to find him before he does anything stupid!" Dallas called to the other boys and they ran after him.

Leaving a sad, guilty Maya standing alone.  
What if they didn't find him in time? What if he… what if he wanted a more permanent solution to end his pain?

* * *

AN: I know it's short. Please review! :)


	3. Chapter 3

His loud footsteps echoed through the abandoned hallways of Degrassi. His lungs burned from lack of air and his legs ached but he knew he couldn't stop, not now or ever. He didn't know where to go or how he was going to do it, but Campbell Saunders knew that there was only one way out of this; suicide.

He had been thinking about it since he moved here. How he would do it, how his family and team would react. But it had all suddenly become so real.

As warm tears started to drip from his eyes, he was filled with the familiar feeling of self-loathing. He was a baby, an idiot, a mama's boy. He was nothing.

Finally the sophomore skidded to a stop in a new, yet familiar place; the greenhouse. He stood frozen for a moment to take it all in. Beautiful flowers and green vines filled the small space. The stench of wet earth and fertilizer filled his nose. This was it; this is where he would do it. This is where Campbell Saunders would die.

He would've loved to stand there for a moment to relish the relief he felt to never have to see another day. But he didn't have the time. He knew Dallas and the team was hunting him down.

So he lurched forward without a second thought. At first sight he grabbed a hose and started to tie the ends together into a noose, but the thought of himself dangling only a few inches off the ground made him shudder. There was only one way for him to do this, and that was by going back to where this all began. The only thing that gave him a feeling other than sorrow.

He smashed a nearby pot. The soil and glass mixed together in a pile at his feet. He dug through it in search of a sharp piece. He ran a couple different pieces across both his wrists with full force. Blood bubbled up from small cuts on his skin, but it wasn't good enough. He wanted to suffer, to bleed out.

Full of anger and frustration, he flew into a rage. He knocked more pots down, ripped flowers from their beds, and threw tools off shelves. That's when he found it, small and caked with soil, a spade. The sharp tip was peaking out at him from behind a watering can. It was perfect, so entirely perfect. A bitter laugh escaped from the boy's sore throat, but soon turned to a sob as he drug the sharp object across his arms over and over again.

He fell to his knees, but didn't slow down his movements. The once innocent utensil was now coated in crimson blood, Campbell Saunders's blood.

He sighed with relief as the life started to drain out of him. He didn't know how long it would take him to die. An hour, ten minutes? It didn't matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore…

* * *

The three seniors sprinted into Degrassi in search of their lost rookie. The young blond however, remained outside. She wasn't sure if she could take what she might find. Her heart was pounding in her ears and her head was dizzy.

_Find him, oh please God let them find him before its too late!_

She grew impatient within only a few minutes of waiting. She gave up on the Ice Hounds and started a search of her own. She needed to find a safe haven, somewhere secure and serene. That's where the hurt boy would go.

None of them were even sure he had gone to Degrassi. But Maya would go to the ends of the earth to find her Cam.

She walked out towards the back parking lot calling out his name periodically. She was about to turn back due to it being almost dusk, but then she heard a series of loud noises behind her.

She turned around and quickly followed the sound. It led her to the Greenhouse her sister had built with Jake. It was a pretty little building but she didn't visit it much.

When she turned the corner a screamed escaped her mouth. There was the boy she had come to love. His sleeves were pushed up past his elbows and gashes covered the entirety of his wrists. He was sitting against a wall with his eyes closed, in a pool of his own blood.

The little bit of sunlight left danced across the room as the blond looked on in horror. They had been too late, he was gone, her Cam was gone.

She wanted to cry, to scream, to run over a shake him, but she was rooted to her spot; unable to move, speak, or feel.

Finally she fell to her knees in defeat.

"Oh Cam why…?" She whispered. She crawled over to him getting his blood on her jeans. The weapon he had used was sitting inches away. She wasn't sure why, but she reached over him and grabbed it. Suddenly his eyes fluttered open.

He looked weak, pale, the life draining out of his veins. But somehow he still managed to whimper her name and try to cover his arms. Like he could just pull the memory out of her mind by tugging down his sleeve.

"Hold on Cam, I'm going to get you help." She quickly tore off her own jacket and tied it around his wrist trying to stop the bleeding. She didn't know if that was the right thing to do, but she had seen it in a movie once and it had worked then. Only this wasn't fantasy, this was real, this was really happening.

She dug into her pocket, but her cell wasn't there.

"Help! Someone help us!" She screamed in a panic as Cam's eyes began to close again. "HELP!"

* * *

AN: More to come!


End file.
